Sunday, 16 November 2008

Parenting Course – Week 9

Use of the tongue

We were presented with a list of words which are often used by mothers to their children. Then we were put into groups and we had to put these words in one of three categories; good, bad or neutral.

1. Get lost
2. Put it here please
3. That’s naughty
4. I’ll give you a bollocking
5. Gandhi (dirty)
6. MashaAllah you finished
7. Put your ass here
8. Do want a slap
9. Well done!
10. Shorer bacha (son of a pig)
11. Bloody cow
12. Shall I help you
13. Shaytaan
14. Go away
15. InshaAllah you can do it
16. Stupid
17. Slam it
18. I am not happy
19. Greedy pig
20. Liar
21. Shut up

Every single group was in agreement that words listed below definitely belonged in the ‘bad’ category.

• I’ll give you a bollocking
• Gandhi (dirty)
• Put your ass here
• Do you want a slap
• Shorer bacha (son of a pig)
• Bloody cow
• Shaytaan
• Stupid
• Greedy cow
• Liar
• Shut up

I think that the most surprising thing is that we often hear practicing sisters or those involved in dawah activities using such terms. What we need to understand is that words can REALLY hurt, so we have to be careful how we address our children. Sometimes it may be helpful to put ourselves in our children’s shoes and think how would we feel if we were referred to as “stupid” or a “greedy pig” or being told to “shut up” for asking a question!. I know that I would find it degrading and it would definitely have an impact on my self-esteem. We need to use positive words so that our children grow up to be confident and positive individuals’ insha’Allah.

The messenger of Allah (SWS) said:

“Let whoever believes in Allah and the last day either speak good or remain silent” (Muslim and Bukhari)

We discussed this hadith primarily because small children cannot differentiate between good and bad words. They usually imitate their parents or grandparents if they are living with them. Therefore, we need to be good role models for them insha’Allah.

In Sura An-Nur verse 26 Allah (SWT) says:

“Bad statements are for bad people and bad people for bad statements. Good statements are for good people and good people for good statements; such are innocent of (every) bad statement which they say; for them is forgiveness, and honored provision.”

This verse was reveled after the incident regarding ‘Aishah known as the Ifk. Ibn Abbas said regarding this verse

“Evil words are for evil men, and evil men are for evil words; good words are for good men and good men are for good words. This was reveled concerning ‘Aishah and the people of slander.” (At-Tabari)

Therefore if we make bad statement about good people it will bounce back to the person saying it. I can assume that we all want to be good; therefore we should engage in good speech and stay away from bad speech insha’Allah.

I will end with the hadith which states that the Prophet (sws)said;

“If anyone guarantees me what is between his jaws and between his legs, I shall guarantee him Jannah” (Bukhari)

We see the importance of speaking good words especially to our children because the way we address them will surely have an effect on their psychological well-being. If we address them using positive words then they will address others in the same manner insha’Allah. For example, if we say ‘Thank you’ and ‘Please’ they will imitate us. May Allah protect us from bad speech and help us to speak good words .Ameen.


Anonymous said...

thank you! may Allah reward you for sharing these notes. I have found all these parenting course notes so useful MashAllah... I often chack to see if/when you have updates and find them really good to read and reflect on now and then when in need of advice. Jazakillahu khairan.
Umm A

Desperate Housewife said...

JazakAllahu khairan.
You know I never would have read these Ayaat or hadith and reflected on the way I speak to my children...

A wake up call for me.

Yusuf Smith said...

As-Salaamu 'alaikum,

Just thought I'd say ...

Especially don't use #4 on your daughters.

Anonymous said...

Or on your sons! Don't use it at all insha Allah. May Allah help us to be pure in speech and conduct. Ameen.

Umms' Any books you'd both recommend on good parenting?

Umm Maymoonah said...

AssalamuAlaikum I am currently reading 'The complete secrets of happy children' Steve and Sharon Biddulph.