Wearing my niqab is a choice freely made, for spiritual reasons - Naima B.Robert
I put on my niqab, my face veil, each day before I leave the house, without a second thought. I drape it over my face, tie the ribbons at the back and adjust the opening over my eyes to make sure my peripheral vision is not affected.
Had I a full-length mirror next to the front door, I would be able to see what others see: a woman of average height and build, covered in several layers of fabric, a niqab, a jilbab, sometimes an abayah, sometimes all black, other times blue or brown. A Muslim woman in 'full veil'. A niqabi.
But is that truly how people see me? When I walk through the park with my little ones in tow, when I reverse my car into a parking space, when I browse the shelves in the frozen section, when I ask how to best cook asparagus at a market stall, what do people see? An oppressed woman? A nameless, voiceless individual? A criminal?
Well, if Mr Sarkozy and others like him have their way, I suppose I will be a criminal, won't I? Never mind that "it's a free country"; never mind that I made this choice from my own free will, as did the vast majority of covered women of my generation; never mind that I am, in every other respect, an upstanding citizen who works hard as a mother, author and magazine publisher, spends responsibly, recycles and tries to eat seasonally and buy local produce!
Yes, I cover my face, but I am still of this society. And, as crazy as it might sound, I am human, a human being with my own thoughts, feelings and opinions. I refuse to allow those who cannot know my reality to paint me as a cardboard cut-out, an oppressed, submissive, silenced relic of the Dark Ages. I am not a stereotype and, God willing, I never will be.
But where are those who will listen? At the end of the day, Muslim women have been saying for years that the hijab et al are not oppressive, that we cover as an act of faith, that this is a bonafide spiritual lifestyle choice. But the debate rages on, ironically, largely to the exclusion of the women who actually do cover their faces.
The focus on the niqab is, in my opinion, utterly misplaced. Don't the French have anything better to do than tell Muslim women how to dress? Don't our societies have bigger problems than a relative handful of women choosing to cover their faces out of religious conviction? The "burka issue" has become a red herring: there are issues that Muslim women face that are more pressing, more wide-reaching and, essentially, more relevant than whether or not they should be covering with a niqab, burqa or hijab.
At the end of the day, all a ban will do is force Muslim women who choose to cover to retreat even further - it is not going to result in a mass "liberation" of Muslim women from the veil. All women, covered or not, deserve the opportunity to dress as they see fit, to be educated, to work where they deem appropriate and run their lives in accordance with their principles, as long as these choices do not impinge on others' freedoms. And last time I looked, being able to see a woman's hair, legs or face were not rights granted alongside "liberté, egalité et fraternité".
As a Muslim woman living in the UK, I am so grateful for the fact that my society does not force me to choose between being a practising Muslim and an active member of society. I have been able to study, to work, to establish a writing career and run a magazine business, all while wearing a niqaab. I think that that is a credit to British society, no matter what the anti-multiculturali sts may say, and I think the French could learn some very valuable lessons from the British approach.
So, three cheers for those women who make the choice to cover, in whatever way and still go out there every day. Go out to brave the scorn and ridicule of those who think they understand the burka better than those who actually wear it. Go out to face the humiliating headlines. Go out to face the taunts of schoolchildren. Go out to fight another day. Go out to do their bit for society and the common good. Because you never know, if Mr Sarkozy and his supporters have their way, there could come a day when these women think twice about going out there into a society that cannot bear the way they look. And, who knows, I could be one of them.
And, while some would disagree, I think that would be a sad day.
Na'ima B. Robert is the founding editor of SISTERS , a magazine for Muslim women and author of 'From My Sisters' Lips ', a look at the lives of British Muslim women who cover.
Times Online June 26, 2009
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Saturday, 20 June 2009
After Hardship comes ease.
Almost 4 years ago while I was expecting Maymoonah I had become extremely unwell. I remember feeling sick throughout my pregnancy, not just in the morning but all day and all night. But I could never actually throw up as I was not eating anything either. My weight plummeted to below 6 stones despite being pregnant and for the most part I would just try to sleep most of the day, I felt that at least if I was asleep, I would not be feeling so sick. I would wake up only to pray. I'm sure it was a miserable time for my husband too. I completely lost track of time, day and night seemed the same for me and one day when I received a phone call from a sister I didn't know very well, I asked her why on earth she was calling me at 3 o clock at night! (It was actually only afternoon.) She asked me, "Sister, are you okay? Do you need help?" She asked so many times I think I actually fell asleep on the phone while she was talking to me.
I avoided visiting my mum as I knew she would try to force me to eat, and she would also try to tempt me with my favorite foods. Curry was the last thing I wanted to smell. My poor husband would try to cook for himself and then have to face me complaining about the smells and the mess in my kitchen. Looking back - I was such a misery guts that if I had to live with me I would have probably left!
One day I woke up and thought to myself I need to get out and feel some fresh air. I rang a friend and asked her to meet me. At the time we lived in quite a multicultural area and there were many takeaways and fast food places all around us.
My husband seemed very surprised to see me dressed and I told him where I would be going and who with in case he needed to contact me.
I left the house and walked to the end of our street, managing to get to the bus stop. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breath properly and felt completely engulfed by the smell of curry - the worst possible smell for me at the time. I remember thinking that I needed to get way from this smell and trying to find my way home but everything seemed to be spinning around me, the shops, the people, the cars - they all seemed blurred. I can't really remember what happened after that, the next thing I remember is being placed by somebody on our doorstep, my husband took me inside and thanked the person and after that I was taken to hospital.
Alhamdulillah Allah brought me through all of that and my birth was by the mercy of Allah relatively straightforward, quick and easy. My second pregnancy was pretty much the same but by then I had learnt that the way to avoid the continuing sick feeling is to actually eat something. It doesn't make it go way but if you eat and then throw up at least you feel some relief for a little while. Also this time I couldn't sleep at all since I already had Maymoonah who was 1 years old at the time, I just learnt to get on with things and spent a lot of time at my mums.
Nobody seems to believe me (except my husband) when I say I would rather actually go through the birth process a few times in a row than go though 9 months of morning sickness!
We know that it is a promise of Allah mentioned in the Qur'an that: "After hardship comes ease. Indeed after hardship comes ease." But quite often after we feel the ease we tend to forget the hardship.
Today I was shopping at the local supermarket with my husband and the girls. A young man who works at the supermarket approached me in the aisle and smiled at me. At first I thought he was just asking me if I needed any help. He repeated himself: "Do you remember me?"
I looked at him and wondered if I had perhaps worked with him at some point in my life or whether he had been at the same college or Uni with me.
"No, sorry."
"About 3 years ago... You fainted on the road. I took you home.... I recognized your husband." He indicated towards my husband who was down the aisle.
He waited for my husband to approach us and introduced himself to him. "Is this the one?" He patted Maymoonah on the head, (my husband must have told him after he took me home that day that I was pregnant).
I felt really embarrassed to meet him and probably will not want to bump into him again, but at the same time it was a reminder for me to thank Allah for His mercy, that He had bought me through such testing times for me and has given me ease - so much so that if it wasn't for meeting this young man I would not have even remembered that time of hardship in my life.
I also felt relieved to know that this young man, whom Allah entrusted with looking after me (my unborn child and anything else I had with me,) that day was a decent Muslim man.
My husband told me that his name is Ihsaan.
I avoided visiting my mum as I knew she would try to force me to eat, and she would also try to tempt me with my favorite foods. Curry was the last thing I wanted to smell. My poor husband would try to cook for himself and then have to face me complaining about the smells and the mess in my kitchen. Looking back - I was such a misery guts that if I had to live with me I would have probably left!
One day I woke up and thought to myself I need to get out and feel some fresh air. I rang a friend and asked her to meet me. At the time we lived in quite a multicultural area and there were many takeaways and fast food places all around us.
My husband seemed very surprised to see me dressed and I told him where I would be going and who with in case he needed to contact me.
I left the house and walked to the end of our street, managing to get to the bus stop. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breath properly and felt completely engulfed by the smell of curry - the worst possible smell for me at the time. I remember thinking that I needed to get way from this smell and trying to find my way home but everything seemed to be spinning around me, the shops, the people, the cars - they all seemed blurred. I can't really remember what happened after that, the next thing I remember is being placed by somebody on our doorstep, my husband took me inside and thanked the person and after that I was taken to hospital.
Alhamdulillah Allah brought me through all of that and my birth was by the mercy of Allah relatively straightforward, quick and easy. My second pregnancy was pretty much the same but by then I had learnt that the way to avoid the continuing sick feeling is to actually eat something. It doesn't make it go way but if you eat and then throw up at least you feel some relief for a little while. Also this time I couldn't sleep at all since I already had Maymoonah who was 1 years old at the time, I just learnt to get on with things and spent a lot of time at my mums.
Nobody seems to believe me (except my husband) when I say I would rather actually go through the birth process a few times in a row than go though 9 months of morning sickness!
We know that it is a promise of Allah mentioned in the Qur'an that: "After hardship comes ease. Indeed after hardship comes ease." But quite often after we feel the ease we tend to forget the hardship.
Today I was shopping at the local supermarket with my husband and the girls. A young man who works at the supermarket approached me in the aisle and smiled at me. At first I thought he was just asking me if I needed any help. He repeated himself: "Do you remember me?"
I looked at him and wondered if I had perhaps worked with him at some point in my life or whether he had been at the same college or Uni with me.
"No, sorry."
"About 3 years ago... You fainted on the road. I took you home.... I recognized your husband." He indicated towards my husband who was down the aisle.
He waited for my husband to approach us and introduced himself to him. "Is this the one?" He patted Maymoonah on the head, (my husband must have told him after he took me home that day that I was pregnant).
I felt really embarrassed to meet him and probably will not want to bump into him again, but at the same time it was a reminder for me to thank Allah for His mercy, that He had bought me through such testing times for me and has given me ease - so much so that if it wasn't for meeting this young man I would not have even remembered that time of hardship in my life.
I also felt relieved to know that this young man, whom Allah entrusted with looking after me (my unborn child and anything else I had with me,) that day was a decent Muslim man.
My husband told me that his name is Ihsaan.
Saturday, 6 June 2009
Redressing The Balance
The Virtues of Marrying Older Sisters and Other Points of Benefit.
By Anonymous
Due lack of Islamic resources/education, etc in the 80s/90s, a lot of us sisters grew up mainly with a secular model, only until we were at late stages of college/uni when we re-established our relationship with Islam. By this stage we have chosen our career/academic path...and were happily bobbing along, until we realised we had unwittingly become less and less sought after in the marital field....and slowly got labelled as 'ambitious', 'career-type', 'too independent', ' too fussy', 'too clever', 'can only read..but can't cook'.
So as the rejections pour in, what do we do...so not to let our grey matter shrivel...we hit the books some more...get a few more qualifications in the bag and make ourselves a new social order 'the unmarriagables'.
Joking aside, think of how many decent sisters you know, who are not married. I have watched this space steadily increase, as the years go by.
I don't think enough has been done/said to promote the virtues of this breed of sisters. So here is my little bit...to redress the balance.
-The maternal desire is no less in these sisters, in fact for many it is stronger, as they have waited longer than most.
-They have the wisdom of years, have achieved a lot for themselves, so are ready to sacrifice for their husband and kids, and due to more life opportunities and experiences have a lot to offer.
-Can be a companion for husband on an intellectual level, so he does not have to escape nappy talk to be with his educated friends, but rather appreciate his wife's company.
-Just because they have a career now, does not mean that they would not drop it (or modify it) to put their family first. Please ask, before you make assumptions based on their job title/qualifications. Most sisters in this situation that I know, are yearning to be a wife/mother, and realise this is where fulfillment is.
-Usually are less clingy, allowing their husband the breathing space he needs, and with some financial independence, put less pressure on him as the sole provider. He can feel confident that his children are in capable hands, should anything happen to him..n'authoo billah.
-Also ambitious women, become ambitious mothers for their kids, so rather than a negative trait, it is a driving force for the ummah. Educated women, promoting the next generation...is what we need for a respected, strong ummah.
-Motherhood in the 30s, can be less stressful, due to having more patience. And having the experience of others around us, so are more mentally prepared and willing for this new role!
These are generalisations, and do not ring true to all individuals, but is food for thought....with a credit crunch and ageing population looming, we may become popular once more.
Please dont get me wrong, I am not saying don't marry young...please do...
rather this is just a plea on behalf of our sisters who have been written off unnecessarily, they need to be considered as they have a lot to offer.
2. The Art Of Rejection.
Let's face it, most of us will face the prospect of being rejected/ or being the rejector at some point in our journey of finding a spouse.
This needs to be done with tact, and many do not know how. How many bros have been invited to a dinner to meet a prospective, and when he realised she wasn't his cuppa chai....he/his family failed to call to pass on this vital information. In the meanwhile, the sis is choosing baby names that will suit his surname.....heartbreaking stuff (us sisters can get carried away)!
So please, let people know in a reasonable amount of time in a reasonable way.
i.e. after about 1 week (so at least you seem like you have deliberated), and on the lines of ' it was lovely meeting your family, thankyou for the meal, I don't think they are a suitable match, however we will keep your daughter/son in mind if we come across anyone more suitable...jazakAllah khair.'
Wow..so easy, job done, relations in tact. This saves awkwardness/bitterness at next social gathering.
Just to illustrate the problem...consider this.
Sister A: age 30,
Profession - Medical Doctor
Height - tall
born- -UK
Brother A: age 30
Profession - Medical Doctor
Height -tall
born - UK
So the only variable is gender, yet due to society norms...look at the difference in possible potentials. Generally speaking...
Sister A could only consider someone older, taller, with a similar/higher education, someone also born/raised in UK, to understand her attitudes/role (we were raised in a different atmosphere which has moulded us, compared to our sisters in the sub-continent).
Brother B could consider someone up to 10 yrs younger perhaps, even someone older, someone significantly shorter or perhaps taller, someone less educated or perhaps same level, and someone from 'back home' as they make apparently more submissive/homely wives or they can choose from here.
As you can see, it's a boys market.
Solutions...
-Educating the parents, at a community level, pre-marital education, etiquettes in searching for a suitable spouse.
-Start looking earlier.
-Marital events for over 30s./ Professionals.
-Friends who are married should play an active role in thinking of their unmarried bros/sister, and play the matchmaker....it works....Nafeesa (ra)was a shining example, helping a twice-widowed older friend (our beloved mother Khadeejah-ra) marry our Nabi (saw).
-Maybe bros should consider a sister a few years older than him.
-If you are still not married in you late 20s/30s..then don't be shy/reserved, let people know, so they can look out for you...we are a caring ummah, no stigmas allowed!
By Anonymous
Due lack of Islamic resources/education, etc in the 80s/90s, a lot of us sisters grew up mainly with a secular model, only until we were at late stages of college/uni when we re-established our relationship with Islam. By this stage we have chosen our career/academic path...and were happily bobbing along, until we realised we had unwittingly become less and less sought after in the marital field....and slowly got labelled as 'ambitious', 'career-type', 'too independent', ' too fussy', 'too clever', 'can only read..but can't cook'.
So as the rejections pour in, what do we do...so not to let our grey matter shrivel...we hit the books some more...get a few more qualifications in the bag and make ourselves a new social order 'the unmarriagables'.
Joking aside, think of how many decent sisters you know, who are not married. I have watched this space steadily increase, as the years go by.
I don't think enough has been done/said to promote the virtues of this breed of sisters. So here is my little bit...to redress the balance.
-The maternal desire is no less in these sisters, in fact for many it is stronger, as they have waited longer than most.
-They have the wisdom of years, have achieved a lot for themselves, so are ready to sacrifice for their husband and kids, and due to more life opportunities and experiences have a lot to offer.
-Can be a companion for husband on an intellectual level, so he does not have to escape nappy talk to be with his educated friends, but rather appreciate his wife's company.
-Just because they have a career now, does not mean that they would not drop it (or modify it) to put their family first. Please ask, before you make assumptions based on their job title/qualifications. Most sisters in this situation that I know, are yearning to be a wife/mother, and realise this is where fulfillment is.
-Usually are less clingy, allowing their husband the breathing space he needs, and with some financial independence, put less pressure on him as the sole provider. He can feel confident that his children are in capable hands, should anything happen to him..n'authoo billah.
-Also ambitious women, become ambitious mothers for their kids, so rather than a negative trait, it is a driving force for the ummah. Educated women, promoting the next generation...is what we need for a respected, strong ummah.
-Motherhood in the 30s, can be less stressful, due to having more patience. And having the experience of others around us, so are more mentally prepared and willing for this new role!
These are generalisations, and do not ring true to all individuals, but is food for thought....with a credit crunch and ageing population looming, we may become popular once more.
Please dont get me wrong, I am not saying don't marry young...please do...
rather this is just a plea on behalf of our sisters who have been written off unnecessarily, they need to be considered as they have a lot to offer.
2. The Art Of Rejection.
Let's face it, most of us will face the prospect of being rejected/ or being the rejector at some point in our journey of finding a spouse.
This needs to be done with tact, and many do not know how. How many bros have been invited to a dinner to meet a prospective, and when he realised she wasn't his cuppa chai....he/his family failed to call to pass on this vital information. In the meanwhile, the sis is choosing baby names that will suit his surname.....heartbreaking stuff (us sisters can get carried away)!
So please, let people know in a reasonable amount of time in a reasonable way.
i.e. after about 1 week (so at least you seem like you have deliberated), and on the lines of ' it was lovely meeting your family, thankyou for the meal, I don't think they are a suitable match, however we will keep your daughter/son in mind if we come across anyone more suitable...jazakAllah khair.'
Wow..so easy, job done, relations in tact. This saves awkwardness/bitterness at next social gathering.
Just to illustrate the problem...consider this.
Sister A: age 30,
Profession - Medical Doctor
Height - tall
born- -UK
Brother A: age 30
Profession - Medical Doctor
Height -tall
born - UK
So the only variable is gender, yet due to society norms...look at the difference in possible potentials. Generally speaking...
Sister A could only consider someone older, taller, with a similar/higher education, someone also born/raised in UK, to understand her attitudes/role (we were raised in a different atmosphere which has moulded us, compared to our sisters in the sub-continent).
Brother B could consider someone up to 10 yrs younger perhaps, even someone older, someone significantly shorter or perhaps taller, someone less educated or perhaps same level, and someone from 'back home' as they make apparently more submissive/homely wives or they can choose from here.
As you can see, it's a boys market.
Solutions...
-Educating the parents, at a community level, pre-marital education, etiquettes in searching for a suitable spouse.
-Start looking earlier.
-Marital events for over 30s./ Professionals.
-Friends who are married should play an active role in thinking of their unmarried bros/sister, and play the matchmaker....it works....Nafeesa (ra)was a shining example, helping a twice-widowed older friend (our beloved mother Khadeejah-ra) marry our Nabi (saw).
-Maybe bros should consider a sister a few years older than him.
-If you are still not married in you late 20s/30s..then don't be shy/reserved, let people know, so they can look out for you...we are a caring ummah, no stigmas allowed!
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