Parenting Course Notes, Week 1.

By Umm Zaidah Nusaybah

Bismillahir Rahmaneer Raheem

I am currently studying a parenting course which looks at it from an Islamic point of view Alhamdulillah. I think there is a great need for courses such as this because as Muslim women we have a great responsibility of raising righteous children inshaAllah. We are our children’s first institute for learning. Therefore it is incumbent on us to know how to raise our children according to Islamic principles insha Allah. Although motherhood can be demanding I see it as a privilege because there are many women out there yearning for children but are unable to have any due to various circumstances. May Allah (SWT) grant these women children who will be the coolness for their eyes, Ameen.
The course is designed to be interactive with lively discussions. We also participate in role-play (which I enjoy very much!).

Notes from Week One

Children’s rights
Allah (SWT) says in the Noble Qur’an:
“O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah but do (precisely) what they are commanded” (SurahTahreem: verse 6)
In the first session we discussed the rights of a new born child having this ayah as a guideline.

1- Tasmiya. The first right that was discussed was the right to give the child a good name (Tasmiya). The proof of this is the hadith of the prophet (SWS):
“A child will be called by his name”

Unfortunately we find that when it comes to naming children people have some weird customs. For example, some people point to the Qur’an and pick any word. Thus calling their children names such as khinzil, jaheem, Riba etc. Others even name their children after their animals. So you end up with Mimi, Fifi or kitty!! Other people choose the names of actors and singers. My personal favorites have to the names of fruits such as Lesu, anggur, khomla, khazur, khola (translated into English from Bengali means Lychee, grape, orange, dates, banana). I’m sure you guys have come across these names right??! (note: no offence intended)

2-Aqiqa – slaughtering one sheep for a girl and two for a boy. Preferably this is done on the seventh day, if not then on the 14th or 21st. If you cannot do it on those days then you can do it on any other Insha Allah. The proof for this:
“Every child is tied to his aqiqa so shed blood for him”.

3-Circumcission (Khitaan) – Everybody knows circumcision for a boy is wajib but many people do not realise that female circumcision is also part of the Sunnah (Note: this is not the same as genital mutilation practiced by some people)
Prophet (sws) said fitra acts are five (a) circumcision (b) shaving (c) trimming the moustache (d) clipping the nails (e) removing armpit hair. (Bukhari and Muslim)

4-Teaching aqeedah (life skills, adaab, aklaaq)
“A child is born a Muslim and it is his parents who change him into a Jew or Christian”

5-Breastfeeding- it is recommended that a child should be breastfed for the first two years of his life if possible. This is sometimes quite difficult for sisters to practice due to pressure from family members to give the child the bottle. I feel quite sad when I hear sisters having to put up a fight so that they can breastfeed their child. Sheikh Shuhaib Hassan once said:
“....the child should be suckled for the first two years of his life, instead of given powdered milk which has been stored in tin for months. Few adults would abandon fresh fruits and vegetables for stale, tinned foods, yet they are quite happy to feed nothing but tinned milk and foods to their infants. Secondly, just as the mother’s blood in the womb passes nutrients and her emotions through to the blood of her child so her milk also passes her characteristics and emotions to her child while she is suckling him, causing him to feel immense comfort and confidence”.

Other rights include, shaving his hair, giving him knowledge of the deen and the Duniya, providing food shelter and TLC (tender love care), teaching him about hygiene and safety.

Dispelling Marital Fears...

Cruising through cyber space I'm always left with a feeling of sadness, especially at the situation of sisters.

And right now I don't even mean the speaking without knowledge, or the self tafseer of the words of Allah that are just an insult to Allah and this beautiful deen, nor am I talking about the pictures or avatars of what's probably your favorite photograph or picture (being a woman I know that you wouldn't display anything other than your favorite picture publicly).

Nor am I talking about the effect that older more experienced sisters are having on the younger ones - influencing them in their views, recklessly opening up a can of worms in discussion with no conclusion, leaving them confused, their questions unanswered.

Nor am I talking about the visible influence of western thought on the minds and thoughts of our sisters, mainly feminism, which has led to unjustified attacks against brothers - unlimited man bashing. Maybe they forget that by insulting men they are insulting our fathers, brothers, husbands, the scholars not to mention the Mujahideen. Maybe they forget or maybe they don't care.

So what's upsetting me at this moment?

Its the fear of marriage that so many sisters have. I don't mean the natural fear of having a man in your life. Or the butterflies in your stomach and natural blush on your cheeks at a meeting with your husband to be, wondering if you look okay and say the right things. Or the apprehension of wondering if the wedding day will go smoothly.

It seems to be another type of fear that is leading sisters to delay marriage as far as possible, to prefer a single life alone rather than get married. A fear of marrying a dictator, into a patriarchal relationship - where they fear they will not have a say in anything. A fear of no longer having any freedom. A fear of being burdened with too many responsibilities.

Maybe in some ways this fear is justified with the increasing divorce rates, horror stories of marriage that people shouldn't be spreading anyway, and western discussion on the mainly misperceived oppression of Muslim women.

You don't hear of many positive stories or beautiful stories about modern day marriages or family life. (Everyone assumes that good marriages only existed at the time of the Prophet peace be upon him.) What about the small things that happen in your marriage that make your heart melt? Funny things that happen that make the extended family laugh and affirm that indeed your family are absolutely crazy!

That in many ways in many instances you feel like a child again when the family play tig or hide and seek or compete in games and then the big kid (the husband) makes 99 excuses - for himself when you beat him at something!

That the beauty of any argument or bickering is that it leads you to know your spouse better and you learn together and grow together as a result.

That marriage is like the greatest challenge (for those of us who buzz off challenges!). And in fact the psychology in it is actually fun. Using womanly intelligence and power (what Muhammad Alshareef calls halal magic) trying to get your own way with something, and when you finally do get you own way (most of the time if you're clever about it) feeling that sense of 'Alhamdulillah indeed Allah has made the woman different from the man!'

I personally and many sisters I know will tell you that the good in marriage and family life far outweighs any bad in it (Note I may change my mind during pregnancy!)

Not long ago at an AlKauthar course we were discussing some adverse affects of delaying marriage, some of the things mentioned were also things that I had heard from sisters from their own personal experiences.

The following are just a few.

Marrying at a late age can adversely affect a marital relationship in that both parties are already developed in their personality and thoughts and may be less willing to give and take.

They may find it hard to adjust to married life after such a long time of being single and 'independent.'

Women need to remember that our biological clock will not tick forever and the longer we wait to have children the more difficulties we may come across in conception, childbirth etc.

Research shows that women who marry at a later age tend to be less confident in their beauty and physical disposition than younger women.

Also regarding the effect of western thought and feminism on our expectations, again here are a few examples mentioned by some sisters.

Sisters may get into marriage having a bad opinion of men, being paranoid, criticizing etc and thus negatively affect their relationship

Nobody finds attraction in a person who is defiant, argumentative and moaning all the time. If we are unhappy about something there are wiser ways of getting that across.

Going into a marriage with cynicism is unfair to the relationship to begin with.

An overly negative view of marriage may subdue anything slightly positive in the marriage

In saying all this we also need to look at the flip side of the coin - we cannot go into anything with an over zealous attitude either. If we expect the perfect, romantic, faultless husband we are going to be very VERY disappointed. Like my husband once mentioned we can't expect marital life to be liKe a romance novel. We need to be realistic. It rains in every relationship. The key is the way we deal with the rain, who we turn to, whether we let it drench us or provide for us the water to help us grow.

We need to put our trust in Allah, make sincere du'aa to Him at all times, be grateful in ease and patient in trials. Its the over negativity and over zealousness that is destroying ourselves, those around us and our societies - where is the balanced Ummah?

My advise to sisters would be not to expect too much in marriage nor sell yourself short on things that really matter to you as that may also adversely affect your relationship. And ask questions in meetings. Don't be too shy to ask questions about things that really matter to you. Clarify ALL doubts before marriage.

Make sure you do things in the right way and never have 'private' conversations or meetings with a prospective spouse. Our fathers and brothers or other people can usually see through things that may 'woo' us.

Always meet his family too and make sure family are involved in the process. Many sisters who marry without the support of family are often left with no support network. And like my parents always taught me - a guy who has no interest in your family is not someone whom you can trust.

We need to prevent ourselves from being affected too much by the horror stories we hear and remember that every person, every situation is different. There are many decent just brothers out there and I can honestly say that I know of many.

Most importantly we need to remember that we need to trust in our Lord and have confidence that He is the one who we can truly depend on, He is the one who provides, and He is the only one that can answers our prayers.

Your sister Umm Maymoonah,
Contributions by Saabirah and Umm Zaidah Nusaybah.

Here's an excercise...

Lift up your arm (either one) in the air with your fingers pointing to the ceiling.

Now leave it there for about 2 minutes.

Is it starting to feel heavy?

Well according to a childminders training course a friend of mine is doing, this is how a child feels when they hold a grown ups hand going for a walk or even to the corner shop.

Lesson? Use a Safety Harness.

Shaker Aamer - Guantanamo Detainee

The background Arabic song [nasheed] was written and sung by Abu Sulaiman from Bahrain, himself a former detainee of Guantanamo who was released last year. It is dedeicated to all those people held in Guantanamo and elsewhere.

I know its long but please read it...

In defense of the Muslim sisterhood
Yvonne Ridley

I have a bee in my bonnet – or hijab to be more precise. On an almost daily basis there are horrific stories pouring out of Tunisia about how the state police are ripping off the hijabs of women living there.

Some of these women, who are merely fulfilling their religious obligation to wear a hijab, have been assaulted, sexually abused and even locked up in prison by the authorities. Unbelievable when you consider western tourists are topless sunbathing on the coastal resorts, soaking up the Tunisian sun.

So it is okay to get your kit off if you are a western tourist who pays handsomely for sun, sand, sex and sangria …but try wearing a hijab and see what happens in this so-called liberal, Muslim country.

At the moment I am in Tehran where Iranian police are occasionally stopping women in the streets to remind them of their religious obligations by wearing a full hijab. There's been an outcry in the Western media about how the Iranian authorities are fining women who fail to wear their hijabs correctly in public.

I call these women the half-jabis – you know the ones, they balance their designer scarfs precariously on the back of their heads and spend the rest of the day adjusting and picking their scarfs from the nape of their necks. It might have endeared Princess Diana to half the Muslim world when she 'covered' in Muslim countries, but most women who try and emulate the Di style just look plain stupid.

But what a pity those same journalists don't travel to Tunisia and write about a real story like the human rights abuses against women in down town Tunis instead of focusing on Tehran. Why do journalists choose to ignore the Amnesty International report which outlines in clinical detail how the Tunisian authorities have increased their "harassment of women who wear the hijab"?

Is it because the Tunisian government is a craven devotee of the Bush Administration whereas Iran was identified as the now infamous Axis of Evil? Surely the media is not that fickle? (Rhetorical question merely for the benefit of the mentally challenged).

The actions of the Tunisian regime make Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his government look like a group of Tupperware party planners. For instance, the Ministers of Foreign Affairs and the Interior and the Secretary-General of Tunisia's ruling political party, the Constitutional Democratic Rally, have stated they are so concerned about rise in the use of the hijab by women and girls and beards and the qamis (knee-level shirts) by men, that they have called for a strict implementation of decree 108 of 1985 of the Ministry of Education banning the hijab at educational institutions and when working in government.

Police have ordered women to remove the head scarfs before being allowed into schools, universities or work places and others have been made to remove them in the street.

According to Amnesty's report, some women were arrested and taken to police stations where they were forced to sign written commitment to stop wearing the hijab. Amnesty International states quite clearly it believes that individuals have the right to choose whether or not to wear a headscarf or other religious covering, consistent with their right to freedom of expression.

They have called on the Tunisian government to "respect the country's obligations under both national law and international human rights law and standards, and to end the severe restrictions which continue to be used to prevent exercise of fundamental rights to freedom of expression, association and peaceful assembly". They have even kindly asked President Ben Ali's government to "end the harassment and attempted intimidation of human rights defenders".

I would like to be more forthright with Mr Ben Ali and remind him of his Islamic obligations as a Muslim. I doubt if Zine Alabidin Ben Ali would take much notice. The man is clearly an arrogant fool and somewhere in Tunisia there is a village which is missing its idiot (Hamman-Sousse in the Sahel, actually).

This is the man who once said the hijab was something foreign and not part of Tunisian culture. Hmm, he obviously has not seen pictures taken before he came to power, clearly show Tunisian women going about their business fully covered. He has a history of despising the French colonialists who occupied his country, but at least under the French, the Tunisian people had more freedom than they do now.

And since I have no family, friends or connections in Tunisia I write this without fear or favour. Also, there is no rank in Islam so I care nothing for his title nor do I have any respect for him as a man. I would certainly never doff my cap to this particular President of Tunisia and would happily spit in his face if he told me to remove my hijab.

Perhaps those Muslim women in Tehran might like to consider the plight of their sisters in Tunisia before trying to balance their hijabs on the backs of their heads. And I would ask them to read the harrowing report below before bellyaching to more journalists about their rights to parade around like Diana-look-a-likes.

It was written by an imam from Tunisia who had it smuggled out and given to me because he wants the world to know exactly what is happening to the women in his country. Here is a snippet: "The police will randomly make their way into markets and rip the hijabs from women's heads as well as take away any fabrics being sold to make hijabs.

"They will also go into factories where women are working and rip the hijabs off women's heads. This is the least of what they have done.

"I will give you just one example of what these dogs with Arab faces but the hearts of devils, have done to our sisters. They have, at one time ordered a public bus to halt in the middle of the road while two plain clothes detectives went inside. The buses are similar to the ones in the west except they will usually have three times more people inside it.

"They grabbed one women wearing hijab and took her outside of the bus. This was a sister who they had warned before. They brought her into the side of the street and began slapping her across her face and cursing at her with the worst language you could think of.

"They took her hijab off and the main policeman said, "When are you going to stop wearing this ****. She said she would never stop and she was crying. The men took her around the corner by a public bathroom.

"They ripped her clothes off. They grabbed a soda bottle, these bottles are made of glass, and they raped her with it. They were laughing and they were many people around but no one did anything. When they were done they made her wear a short skirt and a sleeveless shirt and made her walk home to her husband like this. I swear by Allah that this is true".

The time is fast approaching when sisters across the world have to unite and come together in defence of the hijab and in defence of the Muslim sisterhood. My appeal goes out to feminists of all faiths and no faith but please don't think Muslim women are weak because the reality is that Islamic feminism can be just as radical as western feminism.

Our parameters and values are slightly different as Muslims but that does not make us any better or lesser human beings than western feminists. There is certainly no room for sectarianism in the Muslim sisterhood and we have no time for petty squabbles, divisions, cultural or tribal affiliations.

The bottom line is that we need to show solidarity with our sisters in Tunisia … it is a very small country which makes it easy for the army to control the people and brutally squash any signs of resistance.

Even those Tunisians living abroad have a fear in their eyes because while they may be safe, members of their families left behind are often held to account for any actions overseas regarded as subversive. The brutality of the regime, combined with the happy clappy clerics and their narcotic-style preachings in praise of the Sufi-style government have also collectively subdued parts of the Tunisian population.

No wonder the Muslim youth no longer clamour to get into masjids on Fridays to listen to these khateebs who spend half the khutbah praising the President and his followers. Which is why I salute the bravery of those sisters in Tunisia who are fighting for the right to fulfill their religious obligation as Muslim women, to wear the hijab.

If you want to help, then copy and paste this article and send it to the nearest Tunisian Embassy demanding that Muslim womens' rights to wear the hijab are respected.

Camel Meat

My husband came home with some camel meat today. A brother gave some to him. Alhamdulillah he has always wanted to try it but hasn't had the opportunity to. Until now. He's really excited about it too, MashaAllah.

So how do I cook it? Asian, Jamaican? The brother who gave it to him just said to cut it into small pieces and that it should cook for slightly longer than beef. I've never cooked beef either...

Talking too much

So Charlotte tells Jack, 'I have a new ambition in life.'

Jack wearily, 'Oh no..... sounds dangerous....'

Charlotte continues seriously, 'I'm going to talk less.'

Jack roles his eyes and tries to hide a smirk.

So now Charlotte wants to know how can a person train themselves to talk less?
.

Her reward is with her Lord.

As I walked into the sisters section in one of the Masjids in Manchester the other day. The room was empty apart from a sister who was hoovering. Well, I thought it was a hoover, untill I noticed that it had water in it and a small tube attached to it. I assumed that she must be the cleaner.

When we started chatting I realised that she wasn't a cleaner. I enquired about her 'hoover thingy' and she told me that it was a carpet cleaning machine. She seemed hesitant to supply all the information, but I probably forced her to with all my questions.

She had - from her own initiative ordered the carpet cleaner from Ebay - at a bargain price of £122 including delivery, (they are usually double the price or more.)

So she had come in at a quiet time to clean the Masjid. She isn't hired or paid to do so. Her reward is with her Lord.

AND she is a full time mother! She had her two young children with her who were playing happily outside.

Frightening SubhanAllah.

Inna Lillahi wa inna ilahi raji'oon.

Forget Ghost stories or jinn stories. This is probably one of the most frightening things I have seen. I was eating something when my husband decided to show me this, if anything has ever put me of my food - its this.